Being Romantic

Someone I met a few days ago inspired me to write this, and I'm not sure whether I'll end up showing it to her or not... I have no idea how she'll react when she sees this... I don't even know what I'm trying to, or going to say when I finish writing this. Shit, I should really stop adding these little fucking rationalisations to the ends and the beginnings of everything that I do, it's just me delaying the time when I actually being saying what I want to say.

It's 5:40am right now. I stayed up all night cause of this particular someone. I'm still not entirely sure why. Anyway, I've been thinking a lot about love, and what love is, and what love means exactly to me. The fact that I ended up watching movies while I waited didn't help. (for the record they were 500 Days of Summer, and Before Sunrise. So maybe they also kinda influenced my choice in post) Anyway, how I feel about love is... complicated. I'm trying to figure it out right now. I don't even mean like figuring what love is. I mean, figuring what I figure to be what love is. I lie to myself way too often. I try not to. I try to make conscious efforts to be honest. or maybe I just change my mind often, I'm not sure.

I'm the least romantic romantic you'll ever meet. (That's been floating around in my head for weeks). I am totally, 100% completely head over heels with the idea of love. I love the idea that, if you can find that person, you can put together a 100% completely unique and special connection between you and that person. I want to be able to, if I wanted to, find something that completely and totally represents the connection. My vocabulary is terrible. I'm repeating the same words like five times hoping that you can understand the subtle meaning between phrasings, but I'm pretty sure I just spent this paragraph saying the same thing over and over again.

Okay, trying to be less rambling. I want to find someone to love. I'm not good at finding people I like. I'm worried I'll find that someone, but then completely and totally fail at creating a meaningful relationship cause I've got no experience at all. But, really, I don't really feel like giving a shit and putting effort towards people I don't feel that way about.

Oh, in case you didn't know, I'm a virgin. And I haven't really had a girlfriend. but it's by choice. Mostly. I mean, if you've met me you know. I'm not trying to be arrogant here, I think I've got a pretty good hold on my ego here, but really, I'm not half bad looking. It's not like I'm completely socially unable to hold relationships. But... they don't really interest me.

I should probably sort this thing out, but I worry that if I try, I'm going to end up deleting the whole fucking thing. It's a terribly written thing. It should be rearranged.

I also realise the aforementioned girl isn't mentioned very often. But whatever.