Saturday, April 10, 2010
Quotes
The worst thing and the best thing about the internet, and I guess technology in general, are quotes. I mean being able to share your thoughts and feelings so easily is amazing, no doubt about it. But... well... they're so much better at it than I am. Even with the most personal things, there's something that someone will say which says whatever I want to say much better than I do. And then, I just want to give up, and just tell people to read that one instead. Kind of. Eugh. see? I can't even say this one properly
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Okay, so I've been writing things every day for a while now
and I've figured out. Nothing. I think. I'm very self critical. And in case you didn't notice, I stopped posting what I wrote in the 750 on the other blog, to try and stop self censoring myself, but I'm not sure if it worked.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
750 words
You miss a lot of context that way.
Also, I get the feeling that I'll completely neglect this. I'll try not to though, I like this place. Maybe I should start taking things from the other and paring and editing them
Also, I get the feeling that I'll completely neglect this. I'll try not to though, I like this place. Maybe I should start taking things from the other and paring and editing them
Monday, March 8, 2010
Sunday, March 7, 2010
What I did today
So today I was so annoyed and frustrated and tired of my dad that I went out for a walk to escape. I didn't even have anything to do, I just left. I left my cell phone behind so he couldn't call.
I sat down at a park and wrote a letter to someone I didn't know and mailed it. I went to the library and checked out a book by Agatha Christie. I went to this weird plaza mall thing and watched random families shop for things. I had a Doctor Pepper. I went back to the park to watch the sunset. All in all, I thought it was a good way to survive the coming week without strangling him to death.
When I got home, I found out that my dad took my cell phone, saved all the numbers on it, and then started calling random people on it to find out where I was.
I sat down at a park and wrote a letter to someone I didn't know and mailed it. I went to the library and checked out a book by Agatha Christie. I went to this weird plaza mall thing and watched random families shop for things. I had a Doctor Pepper. I went back to the park to watch the sunset. All in all, I thought it was a good way to survive the coming week without strangling him to death.
When I got home, I found out that my dad took my cell phone, saved all the numbers on it, and then started calling random people on it to find out where I was.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
I shouldn't try to use the scientific method to try to understand my brain
Title is probably longer than this post. Also, I think this joke has been done before, by funnier people
Saturday, February 13, 2010
On the girl
Though, I did stay up till 6am for her, is that a remark on how quickly this crush progressed? or on how desperate I am? or is it how obsessed I am with just wanting to be romantic? I'm not sure
Being Romantic
Someone I met a few days ago inspired me to write this, and I'm not sure whether I'll end up showing it to her or not... I have no idea how she'll react when she sees this... I don't even know what I'm trying to, or going to say when I finish writing this. Shit, I should really stop adding these little fucking rationalisations to the ends and the beginnings of everything that I do, it's just me delaying the time when I actually being saying what I want to say.
It's 5:40am right now. I stayed up all night cause of this particular someone. I'm still not entirely sure why. Anyway, I've been thinking a lot about love, and what love is, and what love means exactly to me. The fact that I ended up watching movies while I waited didn't help. (for the record they were 500 Days of Summer, and Before Sunrise. So maybe they also kinda influenced my choice in post) Anyway, how I feel about love is... complicated. I'm trying to figure it out right now. I don't even mean like figuring what love is. I mean, figuring what I figure to be what love is. I lie to myself way too often. I try not to. I try to make conscious efforts to be honest. or maybe I just change my mind often, I'm not sure.
I'm the least romantic romantic you'll ever meet. (That's been floating around in my head for weeks). I am totally, 100% completely head over heels with the idea of love. I love the idea that, if you can find that person, you can put together a 100% completely unique and special connection between you and that person. I want to be able to, if I wanted to, find something that completely and totally represents the connection. My vocabulary is terrible. I'm repeating the same words like five times hoping that you can understand the subtle meaning between phrasings, but I'm pretty sure I just spent this paragraph saying the same thing over and over again.
Okay, trying to be less rambling. I want to find someone to love. I'm not good at finding people I like. I'm worried I'll find that someone, but then completely and totally fail at creating a meaningful relationship cause I've got no experience at all. But, really, I don't really feel like giving a shit and putting effort towards people I don't feel that way about.
Oh, in case you didn't know, I'm a virgin. And I haven't really had a girlfriend. but it's by choice. Mostly. I mean, if you've met me you know. I'm not trying to be arrogant here, I think I've got a pretty good hold on my ego here, but really, I'm not half bad looking. It's not like I'm completely socially unable to hold relationships. But... they don't really interest me.
I should probably sort this thing out, but I worry that if I try, I'm going to end up deleting the whole fucking thing. It's a terribly written thing. It should be rearranged.
I also realise the aforementioned girl isn't mentioned very often. But whatever.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
I don't even know what I'm doing
Cause, you know, there was a very specific reason why I wanted to make sure I posted twice a week, but... hrm...
Monday, January 18, 2010
Ugh...
Okay, it's been a week and bit since my last post... so I've already fucked up my new years resolution. I don't even know what I plan to write for this post, I'm just typing away until, eventually, I figure out what I mean to say.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Not a review
Okay, so A Long Way Down is a novel written by a guy named Nick Hornby. It's about four random people who want to commit suicide so they all go up to the top of a building to do it. They all meet each other (What a crazy coincidence) And in the end, they decide it should wait for another day. Cause jumping off when other people are there would just be awkward.
That is literally how the book starts. It's a dark comedy. Can you tell?
Again, I need to say: This is not a review. I'm getting to the important bit
Anyway, the four people are as follows:
Martin, a middle aged man who fucked up royally. He knows it though, and is trying to change.
It's not this guy who I relate most to
JJ is an American musician a little older than me who wanted to off himself cause he found exactly what he wanted to do with his life. But he failed at it. So now he has no idea what he's going to do from now on.
It's not him either
Jess is an insane fucked up teenager. She is so completely lost and has no idea what she's doing, not even moment to moment. Half the time she's just looking for someone to stop her.
Seriously, if you didn't get the pattern by now you're stupid. No offense
Maureen is a middle aged woman who, twenty years ago, had sex one time. She got pregnant, and, as it turns out, the kid was born in a coma. Seriously. And she spends the next twenty years taking care of him.
Right. So in case you can't count, she's the one I relate most to
That's right, I relate most to a woman who has spent the last fucking half of her life, a woman who is uncomfortable with the very idea with swearing, something which I just remembered like half a sentence ago. A woman who does something that she is 100% sure is wrong, cause she happens to be religious, cause she's so desperate to escape from her life.
I'm pretty sure I don't relate with her cause of that. I'm pretty sure.
Anyways, the reason she feels the most real to me of all of them, though The Writer (I put it in caps here cause I can't be bothered to look it up) happens to be a good writer, and they all feel fairly real, is cause she says one thing in particular.
She doesn't really feel the weight of things. She has no idea what to say, or how to say it, and so she avoids saying much of anything, if she can help it, cause she knows like 90% of what she says bothers people
Oh, and I dashed this out in notepad real quick, I'll spellcheck it later... probably
Edit: Okay, I just reread this, and I'm thinking... what the fuck? This makes no sense. I promise the next one will be better
That is literally how the book starts. It's a dark comedy. Can you tell?
Again, I need to say: This is not a review. I'm getting to the important bit
Anyway, the four people are as follows:
Martin, a middle aged man who fucked up royally. He knows it though, and is trying to change.
It's not this guy who I relate most to
JJ is an American musician a little older than me who wanted to off himself cause he found exactly what he wanted to do with his life. But he failed at it. So now he has no idea what he's going to do from now on.
It's not him either
Jess is an insane fucked up teenager. She is so completely lost and has no idea what she's doing, not even moment to moment. Half the time she's just looking for someone to stop her.
Seriously, if you didn't get the pattern by now you're stupid. No offense
Maureen is a middle aged woman who, twenty years ago, had sex one time. She got pregnant, and, as it turns out, the kid was born in a coma. Seriously. And she spends the next twenty years taking care of him.
Right. So in case you can't count, she's the one I relate most to
That's right, I relate most to a woman who has spent the last fucking half of her life, a woman who is uncomfortable with the very idea with swearing, something which I just remembered like half a sentence ago. A woman who does something that she is 100% sure is wrong, cause she happens to be religious, cause she's so desperate to escape from her life.
I'm pretty sure I don't relate with her cause of that. I'm pretty sure.
Anyways, the reason she feels the most real to me of all of them, though The Writer (I put it in caps here cause I can't be bothered to look it up) happens to be a good writer, and they all feel fairly real, is cause she says one thing in particular.
She doesn't really feel the weight of things. She has no idea what to say, or how to say it, and so she avoids saying much of anything, if she can help it, cause she knows like 90% of what she says bothers people
Oh, and I dashed this out in notepad real quick, I'll spellcheck it later... probably
Edit: Okay, I just reread this, and I'm thinking... what the fuck? This makes no sense. I promise the next one will be better
Saturday, January 2, 2010
The todo list
Okay, I'll put this here now, since I'm not really sure where else to put it: A list of topics a want to cover, in case I have no idea what to write that week. This one doesn't count for the 2 for next week, cause that would just be me being a lazy ass, and I completely forgot to say this yesterday, but I want to have the next one done by Wednesday. There. it's there. Oh, also, this isn't complete, and will probably be added to or changed or whatever, I'm just putting it here for now, though I'm not sure whether I'll actually do it. anonymity, on this blog and not
Family(dmgb), friends, love, sex, honesty, what I do, what I want to do, what I believe, what I don't, what annoys me, what I love, plans for this, insomnia, failure, what i've done, self deprecation, "apologies", "I dunno", wangst, cycles as to how I think and feel, guilt, embarrassment, being happy, a more deeper explanation of how I think and feel and my kind of ideas as to how everyone thinks and feels, reading, writing, todo lists, fashion, a long way down, schedules, blogs, keeping track or things in general, work, gifts, comics, waste, excuses and rationalizations, bravery and fear, what I want personality wise, being smart, being stupid, being sheltered
Hrm.. this seems like a bit of a short list. Last night when I was trying to sleep it seemed like I had a trillion things to write about. But now... Well anyway, like I said, I plan to keep adding to this list whenever I think of things
Oh, and this list needs to be added to. This is a personal note to one of my readers, my only reader (ahem heather), but if it ever seems like this blog becomes especially rambling or like the rantings of a madman, I want you to let me know. Or if it becomes the things I'm confessing to, which are like the entire point of this, seem especially trival or stupid.
Actually, that should go for everyone, in any hypothetical future for like if I have like more than 10 readers. And should go for everything, like, if my grammar pisses you off. Unless for some reason I get on some insanely huge site and become popular (unlikely), in which case... never email me. I don't want to read like a trillion emails a day and I'm sure my guilty concision with make me.
Edit: so I like changed my mind. This WILL count as my post for next week, cause there's more not-list than list, but I'll probably do one anyway. Okay, so maybe this seems like a super minor distinction, and probably counts towards the whole "rambling" kind of thing, but it's an important distinction, for like, you know, if I get hit by a car or something. I don't want to fuck up my new years resolutions in that case. Actually, I think I'd probably give myself a free pass anyway in that case. On the other hand, I wouldn't want to give myself a single free pass cause then that would set a bad precedent cause then I would probably take any random excuses for things
Okay, so I already failed two of my resolutions, the whole "don't edit posts after I'm finished writing them" and the other "don't apologize". well, I didn't exactly apologize this time, but I really should avoid long unnecessary paragraphs of explaining myself when it's unnecessary and like maybe 50% just wanted to sound cute by changing my mind all the time. I don't even know why I would think that looks cute.
Come to think of it, I really should stick to my time schedules, stick to it like clockwork. If I write out new things to post, do drafts instead.
This is getting long. Also, I write like a schizophrenic. probably the result of the thing I promised I wouldn't do
Also, I should make a list of things I need to do to improve the blog. First of all, Better Titles. maybe thematically of stylistically linked. make some fucking tags. Better system for my lists. Editing posts is annoying
My next post will be WEDNESDAY
Family(dmgb), friends, love, sex, honesty, what I do, what I want to do, what I believe, what I don't, what annoys me, what I love, plans for this, insomnia, failure, what i've done, self deprecation, "apologies", "I dunno", wangst, cycles as to how I think and feel, guilt, embarrassment, being happy, a more deeper explanation of how I think and feel and my kind of ideas as to how everyone thinks and feels, reading, writing, todo lists, fashion, a long way down, schedules, blogs, keeping track or things in general, work, gifts, comics, waste, excuses and rationalizations, bravery and fear, what I want personality wise, being smart, being stupid, being sheltered
Hrm.. this seems like a bit of a short list. Last night when I was trying to sleep it seemed like I had a trillion things to write about. But now... Well anyway, like I said, I plan to keep adding to this list whenever I think of things
Oh, and this list needs to be added to. This is a personal note to one of my readers, my only reader (ahem heather), but if it ever seems like this blog becomes especially rambling or like the rantings of a madman, I want you to let me know. Or if it becomes the things I'm confessing to, which are like the entire point of this, seem especially trival or stupid.
Actually, that should go for everyone, in any hypothetical future for like if I have like more than 10 readers. And should go for everything, like, if my grammar pisses you off. Unless for some reason I get on some insanely huge site and become popular (unlikely), in which case... never email me. I don't want to read like a trillion emails a day and I'm sure my guilty concision with make me.
Edit: so I like changed my mind. This WILL count as my post for next week, cause there's more not-list than list, but I'll probably do one anyway. Okay, so maybe this seems like a super minor distinction, and probably counts towards the whole "rambling" kind of thing, but it's an important distinction, for like, you know, if I get hit by a car or something. I don't want to fuck up my new years resolutions in that case. Actually, I think I'd probably give myself a free pass anyway in that case. On the other hand, I wouldn't want to give myself a single free pass cause then that would set a bad precedent cause then I would probably take any random excuses for things
Okay, so I already failed two of my resolutions, the whole "don't edit posts after I'm finished writing them" and the other "don't apologize". well, I didn't exactly apologize this time, but I really should avoid long unnecessary paragraphs of explaining myself when it's unnecessary and like maybe 50% just wanted to sound cute by changing my mind all the time. I don't even know why I would think that looks cute.
Come to think of it, I really should stick to my time schedules, stick to it like clockwork. If I write out new things to post, do drafts instead.
This is getting long. Also, I write like a schizophrenic. probably the result of the thing I promised I wouldn't do
Also, I should make a list of things I need to do to improve the blog. First of all, Better Titles. maybe thematically of stylistically linked. make some fucking tags. Better system for my lists. Editing posts is annoying
My next post will be WEDNESDAY
Friday, January 1, 2010
New Years Resolution, and I guess relaunch for a blog nobody reads
Alright, So to be perfectly honest, I don't remember writing either of those posts below. They kind of sound like me though... Anyway, my new years resolution was to write more on this here blog, and I totally plan to. I mean, I already know nobody reads this thing here. And yes, I'm totally sure, I'm not just being self deprecating, there's actually a thing that tells you how many readers you have. I'll write down exactly what I expect here, I'll be specific, so that I'll be less likely to fuck off and forget about this.
1. Write down at least two posts a week, one before wednesday, that way I won't write down two quick bullshitty things on saturday night at 1am
2. Be completely honest. This entire thing is meant as a place to put down my thoughts, and not have them bouncing around my head forever. Alright, it won't be perfectly honest, I don't think, cause damnned if I know whether I truly believe what I think cause my mind is like some big twisted knot of rationalizations and self delusions, and almost all the time I don't even know what's going up there in truth, but I'll try my best
3. okay, I'd be lying if I didn't say that some weird part of me wishes that hopes for this to be some huge success and in a year I'll have 12 billion readers and they'll all worship me and hang on my every word, but... I'll just stop there
4. Apologize less. This has mostly nothing to do with the blog in general, it's best to have this stuff DOWN somewhere
5. Oh, and be better at making up titles. And edit things less after I'm done. I mean, reread everything I've finished, make sure it's a complete though so that 2 seconds after I leave I won't be thinking, OH SHIT I FORGOT SOMETHING and then coming back to change it.
6. And I've already broken #5, but whatever. Make sure to try to do tags more. And say exactly when plan to write the next one by. Yeah, this is kind of related to #1, but again, I'm making sure I have it down somewhere
7. Say "I dunno" less
1. Write down at least two posts a week, one before wednesday, that way I won't write down two quick bullshitty things on saturday night at 1am
2. Be completely honest. This entire thing is meant as a place to put down my thoughts, and not have them bouncing around my head forever. Alright, it won't be perfectly honest, I don't think, cause damnned if I know whether I truly believe what I think cause my mind is like some big twisted knot of rationalizations and self delusions, and almost all the time I don't even know what's going up there in truth, but I'll try my best
3. okay, I'd be lying if I didn't say that some weird part of me wishes that hopes for this to be some huge success and in a year I'll have 12 billion readers and they'll all worship me and hang on my every word, but... I'll just stop there
4. Apologize less. This has mostly nothing to do with the blog in general, it's best to have this stuff DOWN somewhere
5. Oh, and be better at making up titles. And edit things less after I'm done. I mean, reread everything I've finished, make sure it's a complete though so that 2 seconds after I leave I won't be thinking, OH SHIT I FORGOT SOMETHING and then coming back to change it.
6. And I've already broken #5, but whatever. Make sure to try to do tags more. And say exactly when plan to write the next one by. Yeah, this is kind of related to #1, but again, I'm making sure I have it down somewhere
7. Say "I dunno" less
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